Gravity Exists: An Intriguing Article By The Greatest Writer Ever! Justin Matthew Hoopes.

 It has been common knowledge among college professors, gardeners, exotic dancers, and the like, that gravity does exist.  However, there are a few that still believe that gravity does not exist.  I'm talking about your Andy Warhols, the members of Limpbisquick, Cindy Crawfords, and even our own heaven sent saviour Lady Goo Gah.  Astronauts too are rumoured to deny the existence of gravity, possibly because those puffy white snow suits they wear have cut off all oxygen to their brains.  Alas, gravity is real and here for an unlimited time, unless the Earth crashes into the sun or teabagging your neighbour in public becomes legal.

Today, I am going to talk about magically whimsical world of gravity, provide proofs that it does exist, and EXPOSE some of the wackiness behind the ideas of pro-anti-real-gravity extremists.  I have had EXTENSIVE experience in the area of gravity ever since I've noticed that every female I have ever met has fallen hopelessly in love with me.  Note the key word "fallen" which does NOT leave room for the absence of gravity.  If gravity did not exist, then a more common phrase would probably be, "every female I've ever met has FLOATED hopelessly in love with me."  Pure nonsense, as I'm sure any female who has watched endless episodes of Desperate Housewives on a loop will tell you!

Now we reflect upon the history of gravity:
Back before the dawn of time, God, in His infinitely all-knowing way, decided that His prize creation, Earth, would look silly if all its' inhabitants, bread machines included, were floating in mid-air.  Scientists debate whether this was on the fifth or sixth day of creation.  In fact the scientific schism became so agitated that in 1952 an angry group of Pro-Gravity zealots invaded the offices of No Gravity Exists Corps and demonstrated through fists the effectiveness of a good dose of gravity.  Luckily the truth of the Bible defeated these irrational non-believers.  According the the Bible, God, did not see any reason to include the knowledge of gravity in His infamous apples of knowledge; only the knowledge that humans were inherently nude,which any self respecting human will tell you they are thankful for.  Anyhow, God left the task to a certain Englishman named Isaac Newton to tell the world in a rather bland British way that gravity did exist.  God cleverly and uncannily referenced His often retold "tree of knowledge" yarn by dropping an apple on Newton who was at the time attempting to invent a slightly more understandable English accent.  This was a losing cause as any American will tell you and GOD realized this.

Armed with the notion that an apple had hit him in the head, Newton Immediately wondered why an apple had hit him on his thick English skull.  What was the force behind the apple that caused it to fall, he wondered?  Newton immediately ruled out capitalism and the dicey nature of stock markets and took the liberty of blamin gravity.  The world has been a heavier place since, man.

Shall we discuss proofs? Yes, let's.
Some of you readers might still be skeptical of this new fangled idea of gravity.  I will demonstrate to you, proving unfailingly that gravity DOES EXIST.  First, I will simply ask you why basketball star LeBron James does not simply keep going up after his leap to dunk the basketball, smashing his dome through seven layers of concrete ceiling, going up further, being burned to a crisp by the upper atmosphere, and finally coming to rest upon the forest floor providing important nutrients to feed the delicate ecosystem? The answer?  Gravity my fine looking readers!  This is what enables him to make the shot and win the game, or, injure his rapidly aging body and propel him into a well deserved early retirement.  I would stop at this example usually, but I am sure that you would like more proof!  And more proof I have!

Another proof that there is a force that makes objects in mid-air fall is Oprah Winfrey.  She is force enough to make anyone's object in mid-air fall, if you catch my drift.  Or how about this?  If did not indeed exist, I could make myself float in mid-air.  After several major internal injuries I decided I had proved the aforementioned point.

In a world so uneducated by writer Justin Matthew Hoopes, through the ages, certain groups that have a grudge against gravity have tried to negate its' influence in our lives by denying it exists at all.  Here are a few examples:

1. Marijuana Users:  How many times have you heard the senseless and annoying phrase, "let's get high?"  Proponents of this anti-gravity extremist group or "gravi-tear-or-wrists" as fondly refer to them, believe that by simply decapitating an innocent and harmless plant, smoking the most odoriferous part, and drumming in an indeterminate time signature they can defy the laws of nature by levitating.  This is very much akin to the little three year old child who covers his eyes and believes he is invisible to you because he can't see you.  Utter hogwash.  It should also be pointed out that smoking this earthy substance causes you to repeat endlessly child-like phrases such as: "420 man!" or "whoa" or "dude, I am so high."  Smoking the "green" also can cause you to believe that you are an environmentalist and have incredible tastes in music.  In reality, you drive a VW bus, one of the most polluting and inefficient vehicles ever made by Hitler and traverse the USA going to see Widespread Panic shows.  Don't ever listen to anything these folks have to say on the subject of gravity.  
2. Warner Brothers Cartoons: One of the worst offenders in the "gravity does not exist department" has complete access to your children and their tender minds.  Just one look at a typical Roadrunner cartoon says it all.  Wile E. Coyote, obviously the educated gravity believing portion of our society chases after the non-believing Roadrunner, the uneducated portion of our society that doesn't believe in gravity.  This cartoon's sole message is that if you believe in gravity, you will fall of cliffs, get smashed by anvils, get blown up, and generally have no luck catching Roadrunners to feast upon.  What kind of a message is tat to give to kids?  Parents:  Tell your kids about gravity and its' existence before your child tries to walk on the invisible bridge of non-gravity and gets an anvil dropped on their head.

In closing, I would like to say that I have presented you with indisputable proof that gravity does indeed exist, the weak arguments against it, and a brief history of it.  We need to keep spreading the word about gravity and its' existence.  Tell David Blaine to stop levitating, it's just not possible.  Furthermore, tell the poor who wait for food aid, stop looking up directly under those relief boxes being dropped from planes, they are not floating in mid-air, they will crush you forever.  Thank you.